Stop Denying Who You Are
Posted on 25th October 2022 at 02:13
I have been in a denial state for quite some time now. I don’t know specifically how long it’s been. There wasn’t a day that I just started denying who I was. It just happened over time. But after a session with my life coach, we switched my mindset to stop being in denial.
I was in denial about how much effort I put into certifications and classes I didn’t want to be in. I was in denial when I signed up for those classes. I told myself that I was someone that enjoyed learning in a virtual classroom and that I would put in the effort outside of the classrooms to read and study. But that’s not who I am at this time in my life. I don’t want to spend my day working, and then getting off work to study for work. The content was awful, it didn’t apply to anything I did in my day to day. Now that the class and test are over, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But I won’t be continuing to take classes like that. I won’t be going back to school and I won’t be getting certifications that require that type of learning. At least not right now.
I was in denial about where my money was going. A friend of mine told me to go line by line through my bank statements for the past three months and categorize my items. This helped me figure out how much money I have been putting into which categories. I had my “must haves” which were my bills and groceries. I had other categories like; eating out/ordering in, alcohol, Amazon/shopping, and a few others. I found that I spend the majority of my money on eating out/ordering in and Amazon/shopping. But eating out/ordering in was absolutely the number one. Now that I understand where my money is going, I have slowly started to budget better. I buy my food at the grocery store more often and eat in rather than ordering in. Definitely not perfect though. I have still ordered in, but the difference is that I am not denying how much I spend any time. Every time I think about ordering in, I have the awareness to decide if I want to save up to move out, or spend the money and eat out. There isn’t a right or wrong answer for me. It’s about me making the decision, and living with whatever outcome comes with that decision.
I was in denial about how much I liked working from home. I thought I enjoyed being in the office more than I actually do. I just liked going into the office because of the newer people that I was getting to know. They were exciting and I wanted to be around them more. But then today, I realized that I like working from home because I get to have more of my day to myself. I don’t have an hour and a half total commute on top of the already 9-hour day. When I go to the office, I wake up on time but don’t make time to make breakfast so I end up eating out. When I work from home, I get to wake up at the same time but I get to make my morning smoothie, and I get to take my dog on a walk. I get to get ready and have time to myself instead of commuting to work. When I’m in the office, I usually spend my lunches on social media or chit-chatting with different people. When I’m at home, I get to spend my lunch cleaning my space, walking, reading, and just relaxing. Now that I am no longer in denial about why I was going into the office so much, then I get to just do what I want and what is best for me. Which is working from home more.
I was in denial about what currently motivates me in life. I didn’t think anything motivated me and that was depressing. What actually motivates me right now, is money. And some people might say “you should find something else” or tell me that “money isn’t everything” and they might be right one day. But where I am in my life right now, money is what motivates me. It’s just a simple fact and no matter what anyone, including me, tells me, it remains a fact. It motivates me to work hard and keep moving up in my job. That way I can afford the lifestyle I want. Money won’t motivate me forever, and even if it does, then that’s alright too. Because that is who I am.
Each of these things, I was in denial about. And trust me, there was a lot more that I was in denial about. I denied so much just so I could fit in with others, or so I could avoid being judged by others. The one session with my life coach isn’t a magic fix but it certainly was a place to start. It gave me the awareness I needed to make decisions based on who I am and what I want, rather than wanting to avoid the judgment of others.
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